I definitely feel much better after my quiet time. My heart felt so discouraged today. It was, I admit, filled with frustrations at some point of time.
Yes, I am angry with people who assume that things will be alright in my life based on this and that. But always remember that someone has once mentioned that assumption is the lowest level of human IQ. I didnt mean to say that but I need to somewhat agree with it thinking back about the SYF incident that happened in 2003. The assumptions that Mr Wong(teacher-in-charge) and Ms Dorean Tan(conductress) were simply too great to be mistake!
It is afterall not easy for me to express my needs to others, even when I want to. Imagine the sacasism people comment after you trying your best to give hints to them and etc? To make things worst, they begin to make assumptions which I admit that are not true!
Alright, let's just get straight to the point. It is defintely not easy for me to communicate with my 'beloved' sister. Do you think it is easier for her to shout straight at your face or mine? It is of course mine! For goodness sake, we have grown up since young, therefore it is definitely easier for her to shout at me since I somewhat know her character inside out. HEy! I mean her character, not the strange mindset that she carries in life. It just seem impossible for me to read her mind at times. Knowing her needs does help me to get closer to her, but soon after that, it doesnt really help. The tempermental her can treat me like a queen at one moment, while the next, a partner to express her feelings and lastly, punch bag. Yes, I admit that I do not understand why she keeps her voice so loud whenever she talks to me. It just gives me an image that she's shouting at me, and as though I have offended her just by asking her some little stuff. Think about this to yourself: Does she ever scream or raise her voice whenever you ask her a simple question? If no, then that will be good for you! Unfortunately, it doesnt apply to me.
It saddens my heart further over the incident last night. After giving ALL(and I do mean ALL) my 'O' levels guidebooks and TYSs to her, I have decided to lend one to my junior. When I asked for it from her, she just gave me a super duper cold reply by saying, "If you want to take, then go and look for it yourself." For goodness sake, ALL the books are in her room ,not mine! How would I ever know where she has placed it! Yeap, that somewhat my reply to her. And guess what? She rebuked by saying, "It's you who needs it leh! Not me, go and look for it yourself la! I put all the books on the shelf what." Alright, I just kept quiet and made my way to the room.. I search throught the whole shelf, including the pile of Sec. 2 books of her, and yet I still cant find it! I looked through a few piles of books on her study table but to no avail. I lwent back to her and asked her where she placed it and she told me that all the books should be on the shelf, if the book isnt there, then..it just mean that it is not there la!! Alright, what a 'great' attitude she had. I had no choice but to walk back into my room and sms-ed my junior that I cant help her. First, I made an empty promise which I thought I could fulfil easily. Second, my precious 'O' levels guidebook/s is/are just lost like that after passing it to my sister. I do feel angry with her for acting in such an irresponsible manner. Third, I was screamed by my younger sister. Somehow, it has hurted my self-esteem. Especially after what Felix told me at the bus stop after the prayer meeting we had earlier.
Let's link back to the initial topic. Yes! People around me are ignoring my needs when I am trying my very best to express it out to them. I do feel as though I was an idiot to have done that. IN the first place, I shouldnt even bother. Yes, I did that in fornt of Felix, Ber, Pierson, Ken and Sor. I started by asking where my sister was. Then I commented by asking Felix to discipline my sister. And he started to make assumptions that it might be easier for me to do that since I am her sister, alright, ELDER SISTER. I was practically pissed after hearing that. In my heart , I was thinking, "Oh well, so that's how yu should react? Making assumptions?" I tried explaining things to them, but it got worst. Pierson made things worst by agreeing with Felix. Nvm, I cant be bothered about that anymore.
Just by that particular incident and my tiredness, my mood went all the way down. I began to quiet down and soon people started asking why I looked so dao and sian. Alright, I cant be bothered by that. This is me, not them.
Prayer meeting pulled my mood up and while praying in tongues I felt so encouraged despite the things that are happening in my CG now. Especially the part after Pst. Zhuang shared a word from the book of Acts. WOsh! I told myself that I must not give up hope on my CG, and on my friends. Yes, I got so excited. At that moment, I was so elated that I kept reminding myself that I want to share that with Ken and Sor after PM so as to encourage them. I looked forward to that. But who knows, things didnt go the way I wanted. Ken started to talk with another brother(whom I do not know) after I told him and Sor to sit down and that I wanna have a chat with them. Sor was reading his bible. Nothing much, he didnt do much, instead I could really see him giving his attention to me. However, it doesnt seem to work. And now, the words are kept in my heart, just for myself. Contradiction stuck me at that point of time. I had mixed feelings. Yes, I am grateful and happy for the words that God has planted in me, but..I wasnt given a chance to speak, to share it.. The question is..Why cant I share my joy? Why cant I share my burdens with the people around me? Why? And more whys!
Yes, back to the bus stop after PM. The first 242 was so full that Ber, Felix, Ken,Sor and me decided not to take. Behind came bus 99. I gave it a miss in the hop eof getting onto the same bus with them so as to fellowship with them. However, when the next 242 came, my POS mate, Liang Kai came talking to me. And guess what? The four of them went to the front of the queu while I was still at the back and yeap, they boarded the bus w/o even telling me anything. Oh, how 'great' I must have felt. Yes, not even a bye. The bus got so packed that I started to ask myself if I will be able to alight two stops later. Soon after that, I saw 99 at the traffic junction. W/o a second thought, I chose 99 instead. It was a right choice.
IN short, can I say that today is the worst day I ever spent in church? Yeap, the way the BROTHERS treated me, the comments they made and etc really got me down. On top of that, my poor results, my tiredness made my burden so much heavier!
Yes, I broke down while walking home. Deep down, I feel that I wasnt being treated righteously. The question I asked myself is, "DO i really deserve all these that I receieved after doing some much for my life?"
*Isolate me before I come after you with...* -my kind of life-
